Humiliation Play

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Being Owned, What's That About?

 She's back!

After a rather lengthy hiatus and a return to our D/s relationship, Mistress Tann has directed me to write at least two blogs.  This first one is more personal, as She asked me to write what it means to be owned in a D/s relationship.  

The conception of one human being really "owning" another in terms of slavery has of course long been banned in the United States, so saying "I own you" in a legal sense means nothing.   However, this is an affair of the heart; after all, we say "that's my man" or "that's my girl" when talking about a romantic partner, or "my husband/wife" or "my partner."  

D/s relationships are in some ways similar but have obvious and clear differences from romantic, vanilla relationships.  D/s has a power imbalance, while vanilla relationships are at least in name "equal."  D/s is far more structured, with clear rules, expectations, and returns at least indirectly given to the s-type.  Romantic relationships are based openly around the needs and desires of both partners, while D/s is openly centered around the needs of the Dominant, even though the Dom/me must care for their charge and be sure their needs are met as well.

Some things Vanni believes strongly about the D/s relationship include:

• Being owned really means willingly giving up negotiated areas in one's life to one's Dominant.  The sub wants control in various areas of their life, and the Dominant very happily takes those areas under their Dominance and directs the s-type in those areas.  Mistress wants Vanni to write this blog, so she does it.  Mistress asked what I would think if she locked my cuffs on me so I could not take them off, and would have to ask to have them hidden for certain social functions, and Vanni said "that sounds great."  I know that if I had said "I'm not sure at this time," that would have waited, but I want that control in that area and happily give it up.
• Being owned means that one takes their Dominant's happiness as a guiding principle.  Mistress likes certain things, like her girls wearing stockings, or having them at times tied in public, and she loves having her feet, shoes or boots kissed and worshiped, we do these things because as servants, we feel happy when She is happy.
• While romantic relationships involve the partners making each other happy in similar ways, D/s means the people involved provide happiness in complementary ways.  I want Mistress to be happy so I obey the things she asks me, even simple things.  I don't want Her upset with something I do or fail to do that's trivial, never mind substantial.  The things I do, like writing this blog, show obedience and submission to Her will, so I do it.  Hearing "good girl" and being given something She is willing to give is the reward, rather than the kind of substantial, similar kind of return that romantic couples give each other, which is different in every relationship.  
• Both romantic and D/s relationships involve some kind of love, but I believe it's different love in each.  English sadly has only one word to cover all manners of love types (Greek, on the other hand, had six words!), but the kinds of love have differences.  Love in both involves care, concern, and even a degree of passion in them, but in D/s love between the Dom/me and sub is far more on the level of expectation given and met, care and concern for the wellbeing of both the Dom/me and the sub, and a sense of duty on both sides, even though obedience is on the side of the submissive.  This is why I believe that a lot of what passes for D/s in Second Life is really more kinky lovers than actual D/s.  There is nothing wrong with that at all of course, but D/s is based and centered on rules, expectations, meeting the expectations, and meeting of needs -- it is far more formalized and directed.  Kinky couples on the other hand might have some semblance of D/s in how they operate, but love and kinky passion-sharing of romance seem first and foremost for a lot of people rather than how to obey.  I love Mistress Tann as I want Her happy and to feel fulfilled as a Domme and as a person.  I'm not in this for kinky sex, and even if that were to happen in a scene from time to time, it's the obedience and Her being happy that gets my subbie core working.  All this means is when I am asked the usual question "how can you have BDSM and D/s without sex?" I answer "oh, quite easily, that's not what it's about."
• Both romantic and D/s relationships involve trust.  I have a First Life partner and we trust each other not to do things to hurt each other.  In a similar way, I trust Mistress Tann.  She could easily hurt me emotionally if such were Her intent, but I trust her to not do that, and even when exerting Dominance over areas we have negotiated, it's for my good and to give me happiness in serving as She gets happiness in being served.  
• Finally, growth and dynamics are necessary in both kinds of relationships.  I can never understand the idea that people in a D/s relationship negotiate once, and then from that point on it's a static relationship.  Humans are dynamic, we change all the time, and there is simply no way, even a deep M/s kind of relationship, that things can ever stay exactly the same.  Mistress and I are slowly working on where She can and should push, what She expects, and the kind of things W/we both enjoy and will bind us together.  This is an endless work in progress, and I have no doubt that over time, this connection will change and we will look different and act differently than we do today.  This isn't "fake D/s," it's how human beings operate.

These are just some ideas on how I see being owned and how the D/s relationship operates.  I will revisit this from time to time with more ideas as this relationship continues to develop.