Humiliation Play

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Being Owned, What's That About?

 She's back!

After a rather lengthy hiatus and a return to our D/s relationship, Mistress Tann has directed me to write at least two blogs.  This first one is more personal, as She asked me to write what it means to be owned in a D/s relationship.  

The conception of one human being really "owning" another in terms of slavery has of course long been banned in the United States, so saying "I own you" in a legal sense means nothing.   However, this is an affair of the heart; after all, we say "that's my man" or "that's my girl" when talking about a romantic partner, or "my husband/wife" or "my partner."  

D/s relationships are in some ways similar but have obvious and clear differences from romantic, vanilla relationships.  D/s has a power imbalance, while vanilla relationships are at least in name "equal."  D/s is far more structured, with clear rules, expectations, and returns at least indirectly given to the s-type.  Romantic relationships are based openly around the needs and desires of both partners, while D/s is openly centered around the needs of the Dominant, even though the Dom/me must care for their charge and be sure their needs are met as well.

Some things Vanni believes strongly about the D/s relationship include:

• Being owned really means willingly giving up negotiated areas in one's life to one's Dominant.  The sub wants control in various areas of their life, and the Dominant very happily takes those areas under their Dominance and directs the s-type in those areas.  Mistress wants Vanni to write this blog, so she does it.  Mistress asked what I would think if she locked my cuffs on me so I could not take them off, and would have to ask to have them hidden for certain social functions, and Vanni said "that sounds great."  I know that if I had said "I'm not sure at this time," that would have waited, but I want that control in that area and happily give it up.
• Being owned means that one takes their Dominant's happiness as a guiding principle.  Mistress likes certain things, like her girls wearing stockings, or having them at times tied in public, and she loves having her feet, shoes or boots kissed and worshiped, we do these things because as servants, we feel happy when She is happy.
• While romantic relationships involve the partners making each other happy in similar ways, D/s means the people involved provide happiness in complementary ways.  I want Mistress to be happy so I obey the things she asks me, even simple things.  I don't want Her upset with something I do or fail to do that's trivial, never mind substantial.  The things I do, like writing this blog, show obedience and submission to Her will, so I do it.  Hearing "good girl" and being given something She is willing to give is the reward, rather than the kind of substantial, similar kind of return that romantic couples give each other, which is different in every relationship.  
• Both romantic and D/s relationships involve some kind of love, but I believe it's different love in each.  English sadly has only one word to cover all manners of love types (Greek, on the other hand, had six words!), but the kinds of love have differences.  Love in both involves care, concern, and even a degree of passion in them, but in D/s love between the Dom/me and sub is far more on the level of expectation given and met, care and concern for the wellbeing of both the Dom/me and the sub, and a sense of duty on both sides, even though obedience is on the side of the submissive.  This is why I believe that a lot of what passes for D/s in Second Life is really more kinky lovers than actual D/s.  There is nothing wrong with that at all of course, but D/s is based and centered on rules, expectations, meeting the expectations, and meeting of needs -- it is far more formalized and directed.  Kinky couples on the other hand might have some semblance of D/s in how they operate, but love and kinky passion-sharing of romance seem first and foremost for a lot of people rather than how to obey.  I love Mistress Tann as I want Her happy and to feel fulfilled as a Domme and as a person.  I'm not in this for kinky sex, and even if that were to happen in a scene from time to time, it's the obedience and Her being happy that gets my subbie core working.  All this means is when I am asked the usual question "how can you have BDSM and D/s without sex?" I answer "oh, quite easily, that's not what it's about."
• Both romantic and D/s relationships involve trust.  I have a First Life partner and we trust each other not to do things to hurt each other.  In a similar way, I trust Mistress Tann.  She could easily hurt me emotionally if such were Her intent, but I trust her to not do that, and even when exerting Dominance over areas we have negotiated, it's for my good and to give me happiness in serving as She gets happiness in being served.  
• Finally, growth and dynamics are necessary in both kinds of relationships.  I can never understand the idea that people in a D/s relationship negotiate once, and then from that point on it's a static relationship.  Humans are dynamic, we change all the time, and there is simply no way, even a deep M/s kind of relationship, that things can ever stay exactly the same.  Mistress and I are slowly working on where She can and should push, what She expects, and the kind of things W/we both enjoy and will bind us together.  This is an endless work in progress, and I have no doubt that over time, this connection will change and we will look different and act differently than we do today.  This isn't "fake D/s," it's how human beings operate.

These are just some ideas on how I see being owned and how the D/s relationship operates.  I will revisit this from time to time with more ideas as this relationship continues to develop.

BDSM and Social/Mass Media: Effects on Community, Part I

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Late Stage Capitalism, Neoliberalism, and Ass Beating

 What a strange combination!

As part of my Seraph path, I am reading a couple of heavy, academic works on BDSM as the last two of the books I was directed to read.  This one, Techniques of Pleasure:  BDSM and the Circuits of Sexuality by Dr. Margot Weiss of Wesleyan University, is an amazing look into the world of BDSM in many ways.  Dr. Weiss goes down many different paths in this text, as it is an outgrowth of her doctoral dissertation at Duke University.  In this blog, I am going to examine of her areas of study:  the intersection of late stage capitalism, Neoliberal thinking, and various aspects of BDSM in the San Francisco scene of the early 2000s.

Weiss gained access to the BDSM community in San Francisco by actually having to look for the kinky people.  Today if one were interested in finding a BDSM group, one simply gets on Google or Fetlife and explores to their heart's content.  In the early 00's, as the Internet was a thing but not yet the thing, it was not quite possible to use the fairly early Web to find the ministers.    So by using an arcane tome called "The White Pages," and some contacts she had made, she was able to get involved with various BDSM groups in the area.

The interesting thing here is that what Weiss describes in 2002 is literally what the BDSM community looks like today:  mostly white, middle aged, middle to upper middle class mostly, and comprised of a lot of professional people that have found a home in a marginalized group that is largely antithetical to their vanilla, professional type life.  She ties conceptions of neoliberalism to this group, and states that the creation and presentation of self in BDSM groups is tied very closely to late stage capitalism and the formulation of status via what we term conspicuous consumption, or the creation of wealth to flaunt it.  

As she says:

SM communities are not oppositional to, but rather complicit with, transformations in capitalism, particularly the consolidation of what is variously called late, flexible, informational, or advanced capitalism. Although different scholars emphasize different aspects of this shift, late capitalism is characterized by flexibility, new relations between production and consumption, a shift from Fordist to post-Fordist production, and the rise of new technologies and informatics.  (Kindle Location 270-273).

Neoliberalism is largely seen as a meeting point between desires to free and empower people and the use of classical liberal ideas of free markets,  reduced (but not removed) stress on safety net ideology, and a push for people to self-actualize in order to gain the greatest freedoms.  It is really the thought process behind the Bill Clinton "Third Way" of the 1990s.  With these ideas came the concept that status is gained not through manual labor and finished products (which Marxism championed), but rather through the purchase of commodities.  By giving people increased ability to make a comfortable living, they would be able to enter this world more fully and so be a ensconced member of society.

Weiss's argument here is that the world of BDSM practice is a wellspring of neoliberal, capitalistic thinking.  To be "successful" in a BDSM community, one goes to purchase a dizzying array of beaters, paddles, devices, outfits, accessories, and so on.  These items are not necessarily expensive, but many can get to the $100+ range.  For example, I have a lovely black and red shot loaded, hard spanker that was custom made for me.  It would normally cost $95, but as I'm a "repeat customer" and the designer had made me wait a long time due to issues on his end, he gave it to me for $65.

This kind of conspicuous consumption would appear to be madness to a person who is barely making ends meet, but for me, a person who is upper middle class, with little in the way of necessities I must pay, why wouldn't I pay $65, or even the originally agreed upon $95, for such a lovely toy?  Showing it to people instantly gives me a certain degree of status, much more than if I were walking around with a $20 crop I got in the bargain bin from a dealer at a BDSM expo.  My actual ability to perform a scene is often secondary to the fact I can walk around with such toys, or open my toy bag and show a potential scene partner a lovely set of toys to work with.

By the way, I am a lightweight in this -- people I know at the club have literally thousands of dollars of toys, far more than my $600 or so investment in my BDSM lifestyle.  A few Tops I know come into the club with a full suitcase, containing multiple examples of every toy one could imagine.

There is nothing to say that anyone needs to spend this amount of money to be seen as an accomplished member of the community.  Indeed, my club has offered a class in "How to create a $30 toybag" by going to the local dollar store and buying a set of items to beat people with.  However, I can attest that a person looking for a scene is going to give the Top with the thousands of dollars of various toys far more status than some nice, probably more than adequate top who pulls out some wooden and plastic spoons and gadgets they purchased at Dollar Tree and Big Lots.  

What Weiss found in these early 2000s BDSM communities is that the most successful people were the ones that could afford the most, so the community fits well into the neoliberal world of consumption and status.  However, quite interestingly, the members of this community also were able to take on the status of deviants by being members of a marginalized community.  Thus, white, middle class and above professionals could be the objects of mistrust, hatred, and marginalization, "just like other groups."  So even though their relative levels of power, status and wealth were very high, they could self-construct themselves as "deviant, disliked' people.  It was all very interesting.

As I live in a large city (Los Angeles) and it is nearly 20 years past when Weiss was doing her ethnographic study, I can't say things are exactly the same.  As I say above, I can still see a good deal of this conspicuous consumption going on, but we have had a good number of people of color in our club over the years (indeed, two of our board members have been people of color), and everyone is welcomed regardless of what level of status and wealth they portray.  

Also, we have a very good collection of under 35s (what is called in BDSM parlance "The Next Generation") who do have a more "Bernie Sanders" approach to their BDSM lifestyle: less on the external showing off and more on the practice side and community.  But still, even among them I can see some of this glamorization of commodities and status via items that is part and parcel of Weiss' "late stage capitalism."  We shall see where this goes, it is an interesting time!

Much more will come out of this book, I'm only 7% done with it!  But this really struck a chord with me sociologically, and I wanted to get some of it down now.

Kinks, Fetishes and Paraphilias

In the BDSM community, the terms "kink" and "fetish" are often used interchangeably, but in reality these are two somewhat different ideas.  This blog will go over the basic ideas of each one and show where there is both convergence and difference.

Let's start with one everyone likes so much in the lifestyle, kinks.  A "kink" is defined as a "non-normative sexual behavior that is done to accentuate sexual behavior."  A kink is usually, though not always, performed with another person.  If done in solitary, a kink is usually seen as a form of auto-eroticism.  Kinks done by two or more people would include things like spankings, tying up a partner, S/m activities, orgasm control, and the like.

Kinks build up relationship between two (or potentially) more people, and heighten the play between them.  Kinks, in the BDSM world, are regulated under the codes of SSC (Safe, Sane and Consensual) and RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink).

Now we move to "fetish".  There is certainly overlap between kinks and fetishes, but there is an important difference.  Whereas a kink is something done to enhance a playtime between people, a fetish in some way replaces the eroticism with an object, a ritual or even a particular person.  Usually, though, the subject of the fetish is some kind of object.

 Different from a kink, which is an enjoyable act between people, the fetishist cannot attain sexual arousal without the object or ritual being performed.  It is the only door to their sexual desire.

 According to Wikipedia, which knows all ;) :

 "In a review of the files of all cases over a 20-year period which met criteria for non-transvestic fetishes in a teaching hospital, 48 cases were identified, and the objects of their fetishes included clothing (58.3%), rubber and rubber items (22.9%), footwear (14.6%), body parts (14.6%), leather jackets and vests, and leather items (10.4%), and soft materials and fabrics (6.3%) "

 In other words the fetishist cannot attain sexual arousal without a particular object seen and perhaps worshiped, or a particular body part (such as a foot, very common) available, or a particular type of clothing put on.  It is important to note that a fetish *replaces* what is considered normal means of sexual arousal, and now the fetishist cannot attain that arousal without the object of the fetish. 

This in and of itself is not considered to be problematic *unless* the person feels a sense of distress over the fetishsim.  At that point, psychiatric care is in order to diagnose the fetish and provide therapy to make the person feel happy and confident again.

 It is important to distinguish between these two in BDSM circles.  Kinks are enjoyable and fully consensual, but a fetish *may* allow a person to have an undesirable level of control over another.  With consent, the fetish can be a giving over of one's sexuality to their Dominant -- the Dom/me controls the time and place that the object is available, thus controlling the sexual responses of the submissive/slave.  However, it should be obvious that this can also be exploited by a Dominant who is not fully ethical.  Care must be taken here, as the person can be seriously hurt and exploited.

Now we move to the final part of this discussion, paraphilias.  A paraphilia is a fetishism that is taken to an extreme.   The person with a paraphilia has the same issue as the fetishist -- that is, they can't respond sexually without the object in question.  However, in this case the person feels "undue distress and the activity can cause serious problems for him/her and people involved."

A person with a paraphilia may spend all their time obsessed with their fetish, to the removal of friends, family and normal life.  Or, if they see the fetishistic object, they will instantly be attracted to it in a rather bad, often embarrassing way.

I am reminded of an article I read in a woman's magazine many years ago ( I think Cosmo) in which a woman related a story.  She was going on a date with a fellow, and he came to her place a bit early.  She said to sit in the living room while she finished doing her makeup.  When she came out the bathroom ten minutes or so later, she found him in her closet in a fetal position, kissing and licking her high heeled boot.  She couldn't get him to get up and finally had to call the police.   THAT is a paraphilia, not a simple fetish! 

Paraphilias have no place in the BDSM world.  A person with such a condition MUST seek treatment for it.  There is no ethical way that a person with such a condition can safely perform BDSM acts.  If you see or meet a person who is totally obsessed with an act or a certain object, that is NOT a person who should be considered for even simple playtime.  

SSC and RACK cannot be considered here in any way.  Take GREAT care with such a person to dissuade them from any acts and hopefully to seek treatment.

I hope that this blog was helpful in understanding the areas where kinks, fetishes and paraphilias are similar in some regards, but quite different in many others.  Understanding what a person is dealing with when doing a scene with a person will help with a safe scene, or ending a scene as necessary.

Kink and Romance

 A topic that really fascinates me concerning the BDSM scene in SL is the push for collaring and relationship that so many people are looking for.  This seems to be the overall goal in any SL D/s relationship.

My experience in First Life, and Your Mileage may Vary, is that the majority of people in the BDSM scene are not into a real D/s relationship, but are S/M kinksters that are looking for a scene in a club that ends after the hour they spend doing nasty, kinky things.  In SL, while some of that certainly exists, what I see is mostly people are looking to get a kinky but romantic relationship going.

My opinion is that this is a function of the real, human need to connect in a romantic and sexual way to at least one other person.  Due to the fact that SL has no tactile response, unless one mirrors an S/M scene during one in SL, a topic I'll deal with in the future, the way we do a scene in SL is really "theater of the mind."  

What I think this does is change the dynamic -- rather than kinksters getting together and doing nasty things with hands and toys, the disconnect of the tactile end up having us look for a more socio-emotional kind of connection.  Don't get me wrong, Theater of the Mind is fun and can create real experiences for people, but it's not the same as having a real had smack one's backside or a violet wand zapping one's skin.  

So what I see is that kinky romance, and the desire for that socio-emotional connection, largely displaces the kinky kind of temporary S/M scenes that are so common in the kind of kink stuff I do in First Life.  This is fine, it is after all Second Life and should not be the same as, or mirror on a 1:1 basis the kind of stuff we do in First Life.  

I do think, though, that this tends to change expectations from real BDSM in many cases to a sort of "romance with some spanks and a Master" kind of thing.  While that is perfectly valid for SL I wonder if there is some mental disconnect that occurs for people if they try to go into First Life BDSM.  I now teach a workshop at Xaara on "Moving to First Life BDSM" that explains differences, what to expect when one goes to a club, and how First Life BDSM presents a lot of rather different experiences to people that go into it.  I hope that helps to temper some of the expectation -- going to a club to find one's true Dom/me or Sub is probably not gonna happen, but finding someone to spank or be spanked by, much more likely!

Thoughts? 

-V

Tasks and Dominants: A Programmatic Take

 This Friday I had my latest meeting on my Seraph Aspirant path at Xaara.   It went well, Master Laz was quite pleased with my progress, and the best part was that Mistress was able to attend.  Her input was valuable and Master Laz was happy to see I have a Dominant that I can work on kinky themes with.

The thing I found interesting was that before the meeting had begun, I had come a little early and asked Master Laz if Mistress could attend.  He said clearly that She was not part of the process unless I were formally collared to Her, but then relented a bit and said She could attend as a guest, but not really be part of the program.  This was fine with me, and when I contacted Mistress, She also accepted the situation as it was.  

After a bit though it was obvious that Master Laz and Sir Ballard were at ease with Her being there, and she contributed ideas and in the end was brought in as an official mentor of sorts to me, with me being expected to work on D/s and kinky themes with Her and report back.  

I understand why Master Laz was direct with me about this at first -- although I do not know details, nor do I really wish to know as it's out of my wheelhouse, I do know that at least one Dominant in this group, and rumor of others over time, have become buttinskis to the Aspirant program, wanting a lot of control over their sub's actions, objecting to things on the syllabus, and expecting that their charge should do X, Y or Z, and often less than what Master Laz, the Mentors and the Aspirant have come up with together.  Master Laz did not want a repeat of what had been done before.

Luckily, Vanni is smart and looks for a smart person who understands the lifestyle and is very open to Her charge doing things that complete her.  Mistress said, sort of paraphrasing, that the Seraph Aspirant programs "is Laz's baby, and she respects how things work."  She was also very impressed with the process as it was and how it was very educationally driven.  So everything is working well, I will work on things with Mistress and apart from Her on the list, and report back to Master Laz and my mentors.

What I am not understanding is why some Dominants have to go off the deep end about their charges and what they are doing.  I trust Master Laz, my Mentors, and Xaara in general to come up with a program that will help me, and other submissives in their programs, grow.  I think an Aspirant's Dominant should have some say in the process in terms of 'is it too much' and how things are to be done of course, but the scuttlebutt that went around is that some Dom/mes have tried to nearly take over the program, demanding changes in terms of activities and deadlines.

This to me smacks of over-control.  D/s and power exchange is about things that are negotiated, not every aspect or minutia about a submissive's life (unless that is the level of negotiation that is desired of course).  But even if that level were expected, a submissive being in such a rigorous thing as the Angel or Aspirant programs may not be right for that particular submissive.  This is about growth, learning and becoming a better submissive through service.  If a Dominant doesn't want a group or institution having some level of control, it would have been better to not allow that sub to enter the program at all.

Now of course, there is also the possibility that one or more submissives over time have gone to their Dominant and cried about things that are expected, and the Dom/me went to bat to get things reduced.  IF that were to be happening, and I am in no way suggesting anything is happening like that to my knowledge, that would be really piss poor action on the part of the sub.  I would never go to Mistress and whine about things I have agreed to do.  "OMG, I have to read so many books and do so many things and this is just ridiculous!"  That's manipulation and really Topping from the Bottom, taking the position of my Dominant to get something I want done.  Wrong, wrong, wrong.

So as I can only speak for myself and my situation, I am very happy that Mistress is involved, that Master Laz and Sir Ballard are happy to have her as a sort of informal but important part of this process, and I am happy to have one more person to report to and make happy.  I want to serve and make my superiors happy, not have Mistress cause waves of anger (not that She would) or alter the process based on my whiny actions (which I would not do).  

This has nothing to do with Master Laz or Xaara, but I really think some people need to think about the commitments they make to a program.  If one has agreed to things and it just turns out to be too much, then saying "it's too much I can't finish" is not the worst thing.  But getting one's Dominant to push through changes to a program agreed upon is wrong on several levels -- wrong to the community, wrong to their mentors, and wrong to their Dominant who they are using. 

In a lifestyle sim, that kind of thinking should be flatly left behind.  It saddens me that a few people don't seem to get that.

-V 8/29/20

Introductory Post

 Welcome to a new kinky blog that I have been directed to begin by Mistress Tann!

As a first, get to know you post, I decided to write a bit on my past and current state of BDSM in both First and Second Lives, what's going on now, and where I hope things will lead in the future.

As far as First Life (being first), most people reading this know that I am a kinkster and very proud of it.   I teach at college, and after being really introduced to the BDSM world more than 15 years ago, I spent part time in it, going to expos and events, and then jumped in nine years ago now, joining a BDSM community and getting all kinky with it.

Sadly, due to the COVID 19 epidemic, all our kinky First Life activities have been curtailed, and I haven't seen my club or community since February.  Luckly, I have SL to have an outlet for these desires.

In SL I have been involved in the BDSM scene since pretty much my start.  I have joined and been part of a great number of scene and lifestyle communities and groups in the now 15 years I've been inworld.  At the current time, I am a member of Xaara, a BDSM, arts and education sim that really fits my needs and desires well.  I am on the path to be a Seraph, with is the highest level of submissive to the sim.  This comes with a high degree of responsibility, and my entire goal for embarking on this path was to put my talents in education to use for the good of Xaara.

Now as to what is new, and the purpose of this new blog -- Mistress Tann.  First some backstory.

I have been involved in a good number of BDSM relationships in SL as both the submissive and the Domme.  I have largely come to the conclusion, which will really be the topic of another blog, that I am not a Dominant person.  I am a Top, I can Top very well in a scene, but I do not have the desire or heart to direct people's lives.  If anything, I have a deep desire to nurture people, so any "Dominant" action I have tried has usually been along those lines.   This has caused some consternation to people I love, and to which I can only say I am sorry.  I am human, I make mistakes.

As a switchy Top person, I have not had a real Dominant for a couple years.  For several years in SL I was owned by Mistress Defie, from whom I learned a great deal about BDSM and especially the First Life scene, as she is a real strong Top and Dominant person.  She also taught me a great deal about how the scene is not really binary, the imagined idea that it's pure "Dominant or Submissive and some odd Switches," but a dynamic flux that can change rather quickly.  While She has largely left SL, I am always grateful for all I learned from Her.

 Mistress Tann and I have known each other for many years.  We both have a nature that has slid back and forth along the D/s axis, so we got to know each other as submissives at the Velvet Thorn femdom many years ago.  We went in and out of touch, as is the wont of people in SL, but managed to come back into contact several times.  

In late June I IMed her out of the blue after a few months of falling out of contact again.  Miss Tann (as she was to me then) was very happy to hear from me, and we spent a week or so chatting a lot.  We had felt a pull toward each otherseveral times before, but for various reasons, neither of us were in a position to do more than reflect on it.  

This time the pull was really strong, and I found my subby heart beating faster in thinking about Her.  The more we talked, the more we realized this was mutual.  

There was no defining moment of "I am Hers" or "Vanni is Mine," it was like a river picking up speed, but when one looks back, they can't see where exactly any particular speed was located.  We came to the realization that we are right for each other in the way we fit together.

The most important thing to me is that Mistress doesn't buy into some kind of social isolation to Her and Her alone.  I have a family in SL;  Rachel, Dae, Humormii, Ari and several others, and to me it is vital that any person who comes into my life fits into theirs as well.  Mistress not only wants to "fit in" with them, She is desirous to be part of the family.  She is concerned with their opinions and this means a great deal to me, more than I can probably express to Her fully.

Mistress has two male subs, Dusty and Free.  Dusty is just a wonderful guy, totally devoted to Mistress, and doesn't have a lot of those odd kind of personality quirks I see in a lot of submissive men.  I am proud to call him my "brother" in service to Mistress.  She also has Free, who I do not know as well, but seems to be a wisecracking fellow with a strong streak of sarcasm, just the kind of person I like.

Mistress and I are taking this slow, letting each day and each thing between us develop as they will.  There is no plan or sense of "W/we need to be here by this date and time."  We feel a bond and that is what is important.  She will direct what She wants, and I will do my level best to make Her happy.  

This blog will report things going on in O/our lives in SL as well as other BDSM topics I feel like writing about.  Unlike my other blog, Film@11, this will be strictly focused on BDSM and relationship therein.  Mistress wants me to write at least weekly, so every Saturday at least I will post something, and more as the desire hits me.  I have lots of thoughts on the BDSM lifestyle, and approach it from a rather academic viewpoint, thus the title of this blog, "Kinking with Thought."

Welcome aboard!

-V 8/22/20