Kinks, Fetishes and Paraphilias

In the BDSM community, the terms "kink" and "fetish" are often used interchangeably, but in reality these are two somewhat different ideas.  This blog will go over the basic ideas of each one and show where there is both convergence and difference.

Let's start with one everyone likes so much in the lifestyle, kinks.  A "kink" is defined as a "non-normative sexual behavior that is done to accentuate sexual behavior."  A kink is usually, though not always, performed with another person.  If done in solitary, a kink is usually seen as a form of auto-eroticism.  Kinks done by two or more people would include things like spankings, tying up a partner, S/m activities, orgasm control, and the like.

Kinks build up relationship between two (or potentially) more people, and heighten the play between them.  Kinks, in the BDSM world, are regulated under the codes of SSC (Safe, Sane and Consensual) and RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink).

Now we move to "fetish".  There is certainly overlap between kinks and fetishes, but there is an important difference.  Whereas a kink is something done to enhance a playtime between people, a fetish in some way replaces the eroticism with an object, a ritual or even a particular person.  Usually, though, the subject of the fetish is some kind of object.

 Different from a kink, which is an enjoyable act between people, the fetishist cannot attain sexual arousal without the object or ritual being performed.  It is the only door to their sexual desire.

 According to Wikipedia, which knows all ;) :

 "In a review of the files of all cases over a 20-year period which met criteria for non-transvestic fetishes in a teaching hospital, 48 cases were identified, and the objects of their fetishes included clothing (58.3%), rubber and rubber items (22.9%), footwear (14.6%), body parts (14.6%), leather jackets and vests, and leather items (10.4%), and soft materials and fabrics (6.3%) "

 In other words the fetishist cannot attain sexual arousal without a particular object seen and perhaps worshiped, or a particular body part (such as a foot, very common) available, or a particular type of clothing put on.  It is important to note that a fetish *replaces* what is considered normal means of sexual arousal, and now the fetishist cannot attain that arousal without the object of the fetish. 

This in and of itself is not considered to be problematic *unless* the person feels a sense of distress over the fetishsim.  At that point, psychiatric care is in order to diagnose the fetish and provide therapy to make the person feel happy and confident again.

 It is important to distinguish between these two in BDSM circles.  Kinks are enjoyable and fully consensual, but a fetish *may* allow a person to have an undesirable level of control over another.  With consent, the fetish can be a giving over of one's sexuality to their Dominant -- the Dom/me controls the time and place that the object is available, thus controlling the sexual responses of the submissive/slave.  However, it should be obvious that this can also be exploited by a Dominant who is not fully ethical.  Care must be taken here, as the person can be seriously hurt and exploited.

Now we move to the final part of this discussion, paraphilias.  A paraphilia is a fetishism that is taken to an extreme.   The person with a paraphilia has the same issue as the fetishist -- that is, they can't respond sexually without the object in question.  However, in this case the person feels "undue distress and the activity can cause serious problems for him/her and people involved."

A person with a paraphilia may spend all their time obsessed with their fetish, to the removal of friends, family and normal life.  Or, if they see the fetishistic object, they will instantly be attracted to it in a rather bad, often embarrassing way.

I am reminded of an article I read in a woman's magazine many years ago ( I think Cosmo) in which a woman related a story.  She was going on a date with a fellow, and he came to her place a bit early.  She said to sit in the living room while she finished doing her makeup.  When she came out the bathroom ten minutes or so later, she found him in her closet in a fetal position, kissing and licking her high heeled boot.  She couldn't get him to get up and finally had to call the police.   THAT is a paraphilia, not a simple fetish! 

Paraphilias have no place in the BDSM world.  A person with such a condition MUST seek treatment for it.  There is no ethical way that a person with such a condition can safely perform BDSM acts.  If you see or meet a person who is totally obsessed with an act or a certain object, that is NOT a person who should be considered for even simple playtime.  

SSC and RACK cannot be considered here in any way.  Take GREAT care with such a person to dissuade them from any acts and hopefully to seek treatment.

I hope that this blog was helpful in understanding the areas where kinks, fetishes and paraphilias are similar in some regards, but quite different in many others.  Understanding what a person is dealing with when doing a scene with a person will help with a safe scene, or ending a scene as necessary.